I told him I felt ashamed that I lost the battle despite my faith. (final part)

Even as the Chaplain came in to the room to comfort us with pictures of her and birth certificate and little mementos from the hospital, I was still just numb. I told him I felt ashamed that I lost the battle despite my faith. He reminded me that in this world we fight many battles but we are in a war and it is ultimately about winning the war. I also remember our dear friend came to see us a few hours later, I just wanted to sing and praise God! I wanted to so badly sing that I was humming the words to ‘My God is Awesome’ by Charles Jenkins.

This is the point I saw my test become my testimony. This is when I realised I had reached a new level of faith. A point where like Job I could say ‘Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.’ I NEVER in a million years thought I would be able to praise God when my daughter had just passed away and this is why I call this experience a testimony. God put peace in my heart and song on my lips. I knew even in the blur of my pain that ‘everything would work for my good’. I was also able to say that ‘God loves her more than I could ever have loved her’ and I knew it hurt him more than it hurt me to see me in so much pain because as my Father he always wants to give me everything I ask him for. I immediately knew that the fact that our daughter was taken away must eventually be part of God’s purpose for our lives in someway. After all I knew that God is the Alpha and the Omega and he knows the end from the beginning and his plans for me are always good.

My relationship with my husband is on a new level of closeness that I did not think was possible. Our love for each other has grown deeper and this also translates to our love for God. My husband is such an incredible support system that I know for a fact God brought the two of us together for a reason. He had a small settee to sit on when we were at the hospital but he was just so focused on me that his discomfort was almost non-existent. We prayed together so much and his faith strengthened mine and I will always praise God for blessing me with a man after His heart that I can share my faith with. I should also apologise that this experience seems like it only happened to me but we both went through this emotional roller coaster and reached the conclusion that God remains God.

Finally, we had three handsome kids.